You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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