It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
