sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
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