My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Can i not drive my cunt home
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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