moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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