You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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