sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
