the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
