biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
