Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
