it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
