Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize