remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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