So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he had hair everywhere except his balls
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize