My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
