Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
