I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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