Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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