There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
