The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize