bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize