my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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