So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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