Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
