This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
