Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hate all girls vehemently.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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