My Higher Power is John Stamos
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
