Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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