How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
