he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
