Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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