i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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