Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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