Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
