Taylor Swift is so right about you.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
