I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
