Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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