I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
