She's JV to your varsity
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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