I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
