I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
