When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
