i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
