My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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