He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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