She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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