If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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