turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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