if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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