I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
