highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize