I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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