I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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