I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
