Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
