There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize