i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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