this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
