she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
