i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
