You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
