Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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