yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
