I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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