if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
