I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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