my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
