fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
