Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
