Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
